August 18 2017
Typing this from my hospital bed. It’s almost 1am and I suddenly figured I should jot this down for memory’s sake.
This morning, I underwent a minor but still pretty grim procedure called the “transvaginal cerclage” or TVC. An anaesthetist put me under and then my surgeon masterfully sewed a tape around my cervix to keep it shut. All these done via my vaginal canal, yikes! Glad I was blissfully unaware while it was taking place. To add on to the excitement, I was also 12 weeks pregnant!
As you regular readers know, it’s been a roller coaster ride since losing my twins last year. The miscarriage that happened earlier this year did not help matters. It felt like everything was staked against me and all I wanted was just to be a mummy again. To hold my own baby in my arms and take in the same, intense love I felt for Liam when I first set eyes on him.
This pregnancy is very different from the last. I feel ready, I feel sure and I feel confident.
Throwback to four months ago – April 2017. I just had the miscarriage and decided to take a vacation. We went to Japan, where my primary reason was to visit Hakone, the location of the famous baby tree. I had to touch the tree. Unfortunately, long story short, we couldn’t make the Hakone trip and naturally, I was really upset. Instead of Hakone, we were back in Tokyo, so we visited the Meiji Shrine. They sold these lovely charms for different purpose and of course I got one that’s for “safe birthing”. They also have these wooden plaques that you could write wishes on so I got one and started writing wishes to Levi and Lola.
While bending over a table writing the words, I started to break down and cried. I cried like I’d never cried before. I was ugly crying and I didn’t care. It’s the very first time that I sobbed uncontrollably in public. I couldn’t stop myself. I was shaking so badly that Gareth had to help me continue writing on the plaque. Luckily I had already written down what I wanted to put on the plaque on a paper so all he needed to do was to copy my words onto the piece of wood.
I felt so much lighter after that episode. I spent the rest of my holiday in a peaceful, blissful state. I believe that it was the very moment that I let them both go. They had left me, along with the tears I shed at the shrine. I was finally ready to move on and step forward with my life.
After the trip, we went on to conceive our daughter and here I am, on this hospital bed.
