Category: Emo & Personal

Unscathed and optimistic.

I have been looking forward to this. I hated school more than anything; sticking to it was a real challenge for me let alone completing it. But it happened for me. I completed my education and Iā€™m picking up my scroll tomorrow.

I havenā€™t gotten the results that I wanted though, well the operative word here is ā€œwantedā€ because I certainly didnā€™t aim for it. If I had aimed for it, I would have worked harder, wouldnā€™t I? But I didnā€™t and it kills me to think about it sometimes. If only I had worked harder, procrastinated lesser, researched more, slept lesser, yadda yadda. Sorry, too late to whine now. Itā€™s not a 3rd Class, so I should be happy, my friends told me, I told myself.

I suppose so.

What is the best lesson Iā€™ve learnt for being a by-product of Malaysian education? Follow your heart. Seriously, do what your heart tells you to.

From the moment you received your PMR results, think carefully about what you love to do. Donā€™t bow to parental, peer or societal pressure. Donā€™t be afraid of stigmas. Just do what you want to do. Because if you chose the wrong stream, your life may just go downhill from there. Not everyone could excel in subjects that they have no interest in. And should your performance deteriorates, you not only have to answer to your parents, teachers and friends, but yourself too. Some are able to pull through of course, but it involves a lot of heartache and sheer mental strength.

Really, your priority shouldnā€™t be another A1. It should be to come out of this vicious cycle called Malaysian education unscathed and optimistic. Iā€™m not saying the pursuit of good grades should be shunned completely, Iā€™m just saying that not everyone is made for it, not everyone could sustain it and not everyone learns anything valuable from it. If you are already doing what you like during your formative years, SPM should eventually become something of a breeze rather than a bitch.

ā€œBut Iā€™m not a Bumiputera, I have to get all A1s just to get into university of my choice, I donā€™t even dare to dream about landing on the course I want to doā€, you tell me. Man, it pains me to know that this is a real situation in my country. Only in Malaysia that you will find education a double edged sword. While the system could produce brilliant students (unfortunately, I suspect itā€™s because they are already naturally brilliant), it could also downright destroy the spirit and potential of young Malaysians. How do you expect someone to excel in something that they have no interest in? How do you expect someone who has no formative skills in something to succeed in it? How do you expect a bunch of misplaced students to lead this country in the future?

It will be rather standoffish of me to say that youā€™re better off studying in a private institution doing what you like than wasting time in a public university. But every non-Bumiputera knows that if we could afford it we would have left on the first plane to UK. So Iā€™m just going to say, ā€œWelcome to Malaysia. And hrm, good luckā€.

The second lesson Iā€™ve learnt for being a by-product of Malaysian education is to not allow my children to go down the same path as I did. I plan to work my ass off so that I will be able to give them the best education Malaysia couldnā€™t give me. I want to safeguard their optimism as mine was systematically disintegrated. Credit is where credit due, my university did help me to piece together some semblance of it.

In 2 hours, I will have my pictures professionally taken in my convocation robe. I will be surrounded by my family, boyfriend and brotherā€™s girlfriend. There is no water supply at home but Iā€™ve never been happier.

This is certainly not a celebration of academic excellence. This is just honouring the fact that I came out unscathed and rather optimistic that my potential could be fulfilled elsewhere.

Of maturity and travelling style.

I used to be told that I had an old soul. Apparently I was mature beyond my age and all that jazz. Could be dirty old menā€™s trick to get into my crisp white sloggiā€™s but there were women who said that too soā€¦.

Thing is, you canā€™t help but grow up when you felt that there was nobody you could depend on. Although it is inherently childish to believe that you could never depend on anyone, not even your family and friends, ironically with such a mindset, you perceptions toward other things in general would inevitably mature. At least it was like that for me, my childishness somehow gave way for ideas and thoughts to grow (regrettably my breasts did not benefit from such circumstance).

Today, that artificial maturity has been replaced by a new attitude forged from a multitude of bittersweet experience. The weirdest thing is, instead of feeling older, Iā€™ve never felt younger. I suppose anyone would feel young as soon as they allow themselves to a bit of fun and are okay with laughing at themselves. I reckon itā€™s not that easy to develop a healthy sense of self-deprecation otherwise they will be more happier people around!

It took me about 5 years of misery with intermittent short-lived happiness before I chose to be contented with my current state. Buckets of tears later, I was finally able to connect the dots; the missing links were simply, self-love.

When youā€™re loving yourself, oh my gawd, things just get bloody damn good because youā€™re no longer doing things against your wish! Other people sense that and they stop treating you like a doormat. You start to have better relationships with people because since theyā€™re no longer shortchanging you, they also seem more aesthetically pleasing to you. You also start to look more pleasant because youā€™ve lost the frown or that hollowness in your eyes. Youā€™re able to accept failures as part of life and instead of being so hard on yourself, you channel the energy into making things better. You know, all those things along the way like that.

I am by no means completely happy, but Iā€™m getting there. To even think that I was in a phase where taking my own life seems so much more attractive :P

Anyway, Jayna has gotten a new job with a reputable bank and Iā€™m so pleased for her. My girlā€™s going to go far in life, I just know it. The bf is making plans for a little weekend getaway. Weā€™re probably going to stuff ourselves with food again as usual and Iā€™m getting very excited already.

You know what they say, if you needed to find out whether youā€™re compatible with your partner, take a trip together. Be pleased if youā€™re comfortable with each otherā€™s travelling style, as that would mean half a battle won.