Category: General Faux Pas

My Poonā€™s First O & G Visit

Gasp.

For the uninformed, O & G stands for obstetrician and gynaecologist. Iā€™ve been putting off this incredibly important appointment for the longest time. Why? Lazy lor!

It took my Mom to set up an appointment for her (almost) 23 year old daughter. I was quite freaked out when Mom dropped the bomb over dinner. ā€œYeah, youā€™re going to see my gynae on xx May,ā€. Almost choked on my kailan. First thing that popped into my head, zomg my poonani! Second thing that popped into my head, the fact that the doctor, the male doctor, is going to see my Momā€™s poon AND my poon. Damn wrong okay.

I experienced pangs of nervousness for a month prior to the appointment. I also donā€™t know why I was so nervous, guess knowing that youā€™re going to drop your pants to a complete stranger does that to you. Will he judge my poon? Will my poon be up for judgement?

Just before I was to honour my appointment, I shaved.

MY LEGS, what were you thinking?

I wore my best pantiesā€¦black teddy with sequins on it. My crazy monkey cartoon panties will not see the light of day in the presence of strangersā€¦

The look of a pre-gynae. Iā€™m forever changed.

The clinic.

So I went there really early in the morning, like 7am. Momā€™s bent on being the first in queue, she calculated that we would be finished by 9.30am. Mom went in first. And then it was my turnā€¦

Momā€™s and daughterā€™s shaved legs.

I insisted on Mom to accompany me (omg Iā€™m such a baby, right?). I went in expecting to see a pair of shiny metal stirrups attached to a plush examination couch. There was none of those things. Thereā€™s only the doctor, his nurse and a flat, boring examination couch that has seen its better days. Wish I could take pictures, but I didnā€™t dare to ask my doctor. Maybe next time..

He interviewed me. When was my last period? Do I have discharge? How does the discharge look like? Am I sexually active? The usuals..

And then my most dreaded moment came. PAP SMEAR!!! Truth is, it doesnā€™t matter what panties you wear cause the doc wouldnā€™t care less. I took mine off and chuck it in a red plastic basket, prepared by the clinic for that purpose. Then I lied down on the examination couch, knees bent, spread eagle. Told Mom to stop peeping.

Doc chatted with me, probably in an attempt to relax me. He put some goo on my lower abdomen for ultrasound. He chatted to me some more, applied some lubricant to my poonani and then he stuck something in. Wriggled the thing a bit and pulled it out. The feeling couldnā€™t be any less pleasurable. I did really feel vaguely violated, definitely not looking forward to the next appointment.

After that I put on my clothes and chit chatted a bit with doc. Doc asked me, in front of my Mother, ā€œDo you use protection?ā€. GREATTTTTTTTT!!!

ā€œYeah, always,ā€

ā€œSure or not?ā€. Then he proceeded to rummage through his drawer for something.

ā€œRead this. Cover to coverā€.

Read this. Cover to cover.

Thank you doc!

We got out of there at 9.30am sharp.

p/s: Girls, do get your poon checked, when youā€™ve reached 18 or is sexually active, whichever comes firstā€¦ ;D

Someone wanted to scam me. Please!

Was walking to my car after work. It seemed strange because at that hour the car park is usually pretty quiet, but today there were a few people pacing around. As I was about to enter my car, a girl from that group of people approached me. In her hand was a stack of printed envelopes.

The envelopes.

She told me that her company was having a promotion and asked me if I were interested to participate. I told her I wasnā€™t interested but she was very persistent, kept saying that if I participated I might get 50% off from some electrical items. I couldnā€™t get her off my back so I humoured her by agreeing to it. She handed me one of the printed envelopes and told me to open it by tearing off at the perforated line. Before I did it, she also showed me some opened envelopes with a big ā€œTHANK YOUā€ printed on them. According to her, if my envelope said ā€œThank Youā€ then it means I wouldnā€™t be eligible for the prizes and sheā€™d take my envelope back. Fine, I thought.

If it says ā€œThank Youā€, give it back.

So I quickly tore of my envelope (was rushing to beat the jam), so quickly that I didnā€™t quite tear at the perforated lineā€¦more like half of the envelope. When I opened it, it says ā€œRM 1,500 000ā€³ and some kind of disclaimer on it. So I gave the envelope back to the girl and asked her what it was.

W00t, instant millionaire?

She exclaimed in surprise that she had never seen anything like that. She was like ā€œEH??? EH??? WHAT IS THIS? I HAVENā€™T SEEN THIS BEFORE? EH??ā€. First of all, homegirl has got the worst acting ever. I could instantly detect her fake surprise. I told her to buzz off cause I was not going to get scammed. Some more, she had the cheeks to ask me what Iā€™m talking about and donā€™t I want to win RM1.5 mil. I told her, noā€¦and that itā€™s a scam and Iā€™ve read about shit like this in the papers and Iā€™m going home right now.

Bad actress.

When I closed my car door I almost clipped her head cause she was peering into my car. Stupid bitch! Wanted to inform the car park attendants but they were nowhere to be seen so I just left hoping nobody got scammed after me. Probably not, the girl would have to first brush up her acting, seriously.

Then again, donā€™t know why some people still get conned into stuff like this. Cā€™mon, anything that sounds too good to be true is exactly what it is, too good to be true.

I say, whatevsssssss to these scams.

A Critters meets Girl, Interrupted moment.

I was at The Curve, walking towards Borders when I saw this woman with a baby stroller.

I noticed her because she was wearing a cotton nightie that would remind you of those sold at the night markets, usually hung underneath giant umbrellas.

She was walking towards my direction and as we approached each other she suddenly stopped. She then lifted her left arm and her right hand reached out for her left armpit.

And then she started scratching her left pits vigorously.

What was shocking isnā€™t the act of scratching her armpitā€¦but the sheer volume of armpit hair she had.

I tried really hard not to stare but itā€™s just one of those things that you really canā€™t help but stare harder.

As I passed by her, I noticed that the baby stroller was empty. At the very instance, I could feel a chill running down my spine.

By the time I reached Borders, I had no idea what magazines I wanted to get in the first place.